Beat the Bullies with Assertiveness Plus

(Picture  Credit - Isebrook College, England)

The following piece had a good run on "Beyond Jane" (Triond), receiving thousands of Views (over 40,000 to press):

The other day I dreamt I beat up a big school bully. It felt good. But why such a dream? I wasn’t bullied at school. Or was I? Am I still bullied? What can I do about all this? Well...

Recently I woke up from dreaming I’d thumped a gross school bully. It felt great. Then I got to thinking. Have I still got issues? Yet I was seldom bullied at school. Or was I?

A memory hits me. A then new friend Michael Rose once told me he bumped into one of my primary school “friends”. That old acquaintance told Michael that he and others had enjoyed “taking the **** out of me” mercilessly all day.

My Mum says that one of my primary teachers once turned a blind eye when I actually did thump someone who was bothering me. At last I had stood up for myself.

 Bullying can be horrible

Okay, so things were never as bad for me as they were for a relative of mine: surrounded at school by gangs of bullies (probably armed) and having to complete his final years with home tuition. Girls and women brought up in the fifties and sixties like me must have had it tough too: being indoctrinated into being “obedient”, submissive, passive with men. They were nurtured to be victims of bullying.

Luckily for me those big school bullies who beat everyone up were always in the minority. Being a boy myself I didn’t have to be prim and proper or anything like that.

Yet I must have suffered from lots of “banter” over the years. On reflection I was lucky not to be very badly bullied. As a youth I was very quiet, indeed mainly silent. I was, and still am, something of a dreamer: not very street-wise. A prime target for potential bullies.

Social strategies required

You see, the trouble was I had somehow learnt to rely on just the one social tactic: keep your mouth closed and your head down. It works up to a point. But quiet, mousy people are prime targets for bullies.

To have any chance of avoiding being bullied or otherwise abused, you have to employ a full range of social strategies. Simply, you must act confidently, assertively, sometimes aggressively, even rudely if necessary. Imagine you have a bag of skills to draw upon and use wisely.

Play your cards right

The trick here, overall, is to judge what ploy will be effective and appropriate. Some have likened this to playing cards. You need to play a card of the right suit, and also the lowest card possible to win the hand. (Actually they only mentioned the lowest card but I’ve taken the simile and metaphor further).

It’s all about Acting and Behaving in a positive or intelligent way. At times you need to display the full range of emotions: be angry, soothing, aggressive, sympathetic, happy, sad, critical, supportive, thoughtful, crazy, objective, subjective. Yet within yourself you must maintain complete self-control and rationality.

The old male and female stereotypes need to be thrown off when you work at being socially effective. Many books have been written about one certain social strategy: Assertiveness – especially for Women. Yet I submit that you need “Assertiveness Plus”. Sometimes you have to be rude and aggressive. Often I wished I’d done at least one martial arts course in my youth.

For now, just get shuffling that pack and laying down those astutely chosen cards.

Paul Butters

Tags:      beat the bully, social skills, assertiveness, social effectiveness, assertiveness skills for women and men, acting skills, play your cards right   

 

Listen

(Picture credit - soulsistasheart:: source google images)

 One simple skill matters more than any in a relationship: to listen. Thousands of divorces are caused by a fatal mistake: nobody listened. Not because anyone said the wrong thing. More because they just did not listen.

Listen. That is what you must do. Just listen. No clever one-liners. Wit is not required. All you have to do is listen. In any relationship.

When I say “any” I mean precisely that. Marriage, Partnership, living together, friendship, even a one-off conversation at the bus stop. You must always listen.

On reflection, when I interviewed at least eight young people per day, that was rather like speed dating! No romance, of course, but lots of information gathering and taking on board the very soul of a person.

I was trained on the Trent Nottingham Careers Guidance Course, which emphasised the use of Counselling Skills. Listening was the key. After all, you have to listen in order to “reflect back” to the client what he or she is actually saying.

It is no good merely making eye contact and nodding etc. appropriately. Well, body language helps of course. But what counts is that your mind is totally clear of all distractions.

I read somewhere that unfortunately most “listeners” focus inwardly on what they are going to say next. Let’s face it, we all do that at times. Often we are still ruminating over something said a minute ago.

We are all often guilty too of hearing only what we want to hear. The UK “Jeremy Kyle Show” presents us with many examples of people refusing to accept what others are saying about them. They simply close their ears to unwanted advice. These are extreme examples, of course. Nobody wants to hear that he or she is constantly doing the wrong thing in life. Yet we all do this to some extent.

On the other hand it does help if you can express your feelings too. Males in particular are very loath to release their emotions. So they cannot be listened to effectively because they bottle it all up inside their heads. It takes two to tango, after all.

Open Questions, such as, “What do you feel about that?” or, “Tell me about it,” are useful for breaking down such communication barriers. (Avoid Closed Questions, like, “Do you feel bad about that?” or, “Did you have a good day at work today?”).

Good listening, then, is about keeping your mind open to what is actually been said. Try to avoid hearing what you expect to hear. Keep cool and objective. Stay rational. Cognitive therapy only works in an air of calm and clear thinking. All conversations work best this way if you wish to do any good.

As I say, Listening is crucial, even in the most casual conversation. Every conversation is a mini-relationship. So don’t dwell on what you want to say: just Listen.

Paul Butters

Single

(Me taken by sister Joan using my Praktica)

(The following piece has had literally hundreds of views on "Beyond Jane", a site of Triond).

I am a white English (therefore British) upper working class professional, heterosexual male. All relatively favoured categories in our society. The only thing about me that is unusual and therefore not favoured is that I am Single. But is that so bad?

As I say, I am a white English (therefore British) upper working class professional, heterosexual male. All relatively favoured categories in our society. The only thing about me that is unusual and therefore not favoured is that I am Single. I am also relatively Celibate, having a low sex-drive.

I am not Gay or a paedophile. So no drums to bang. No excuses for my inactivity. I am minded of the famous quote from John Betjeman (then 77), who’s “one regret” was that he, “ Hasn't had enough sex.”

Look, I am knocked out by the beauty of Cheryl, Tulisa, Beyonce etc. but that doesn’t mean I want to hump them. Am I unusual with this? Are there others who feel the same way? Am I low on Testosterone? Do I need to “Man Up”?

I have no regrets about being single. All that bugs me is that I have not continued my genetic line. Children as such do not appeal to me in any way. Women can be good company but marriage or a relationship as such has little to offer me. Being single suits me best.

Saying all this is very risky I suppose, but I just feel the need to “come out”. Why I have to justify myself to people, I do not know. Maybe it’s just the way I was brought up.

Most of this “confession” is taken from my “Confidential Journal”, which is unread by anyone but myself.

I read somewhere that a “nice guy” never gets the girl. The man who does do so is typically a “bar steward” who shows power, authority, confidence and so forth both in and out of bed. Duly noted.

Me? Well that insulting W word springs to word. Or even worse, that horrible masterly M word. I would rather say that myself I take care of my own pleasures.

Being Single means being free. Right now, though, my main concern is helping look after my 91 year old Mum. She is recovering after some spells in hospital. But generally I just don’t do commitment. Why should I? No, being single suits me fine. That does not make me “Sad”. I am happy with my lifestyle, whether people like it or not.

Paul Butters

For an improved Life: apply the principles of Lifism (or Lifeism)

“Lifism: A Philosophy for Life”

(A blog written 19\4\2012 in Humberside for Triond and my own blog)

Description: Put aside your religious beliefs. Just look at the known Universe. What do you see? What is the best thing you are aware of? Is there a Purpose to it all? Well, maybe there is...

Think of all the pictures and descriptions you have seen or read about The Universe. Recall all those starry skies you've seen. It really is a wonder. All those galaxies and nebulae: stars growing in clouds of gas, eventually fading or exploding as super novae, to later form new stars. Solar systems forming then dying, generation after generation.

Put aside all your religious beliefs. Just look in child-like awe at that vast expanse of space. It would take one of our current rockets about 80,000 years or so to reach the nearest star to our Sun (Proxima Centauri).

Yet there is one thing that is the crowning glory of this great Universe: Life! Better still, life that is intelligent and sentient. Life that has a brain. Individual beings that are self-aware, empathic, able to think, compose music and who knows what else.

I have often wondered: what is The Purpose of our existence? When I was about eighteen I decided that “Survival” was the first priority. That’s fine as a starter. You have to breathe, drink, eat and be sheltered before you can do anything else. Yet surely we don’t exist just for the sake of existing.

Recently I read that there are some sea creatures which are, biologically speaking, immortal! That’s good, but what do they do with their lives? Something for another blog perhaps.

There has to be a “Higher Purpose” to all this. The best I can say is that Evolution has taken us in a certain direction. In short, Evolution has produced bigger and better brains. Life as we know it is still a work in progress. All we can say is that, collectively, we are aiming for higher intelligence, talent and general mental prowess.

Perhaps in the fullness of time we will produce people who possess telepathy, telekinesis and other mental super-powers. Eventually there may be folk who can make almost anything happen just by thinking things into being.

Who knows what mental powers might evolve in the future? For now, however, all we can do is cherish and encourage all forms of intellect and talent. Our collective “Purpose” is simply to improve things and help people to improve.

Let’s not forget: this also means educating people to be compassionate and loving. A high IQ is little use to someone without good Ethics and Morals. Anyway, IQ is a rather limited measure of intelligence: let’s not restrict ourselves to just that.

Progressive Improvement should be our aim: in the broadest possible spectrum of “human” intellect and emotional development. That is “The Purpose”. I rest my case.

Oh, and before I go: this whole philosophy I call "Lifism". Sort of "Humanitarianism" Plus. Of course, most good religions contain plenty of Lifism. Yet I would like to think the above is the essence of this philosophy, with no strings attached.

Paul Butters