Listen

(Picture credit - soulsistasheart:: source google images)

 One simple skill matters more than any in a relationship: to listen. Thousands of divorces are caused by a fatal mistake: nobody listened. Not because anyone said the wrong thing. More because they just did not listen.

Listen. That is what you must do. Just listen. No clever one-liners. Wit is not required. All you have to do is listen. In any relationship.

When I say “any” I mean precisely that. Marriage, Partnership, living together, friendship, even a one-off conversation at the bus stop. You must always listen.

On reflection, when I interviewed at least eight young people per day, that was rather like speed dating! No romance, of course, but lots of information gathering and taking on board the very soul of a person.

I was trained on the Trent Nottingham Careers Guidance Course, which emphasised the use of Counselling Skills. Listening was the key. After all, you have to listen in order to “reflect back” to the client what he or she is actually saying.

It is no good merely making eye contact and nodding etc. appropriately. Well, body language helps of course. But what counts is that your mind is totally clear of all distractions.

I read somewhere that unfortunately most “listeners” focus inwardly on what they are going to say next. Let’s face it, we all do that at times. Often we are still ruminating over something said a minute ago.

We are all often guilty too of hearing only what we want to hear. The UK “Jeremy Kyle Show” presents us with many examples of people refusing to accept what others are saying about them. They simply close their ears to unwanted advice. These are extreme examples, of course. Nobody wants to hear that he or she is constantly doing the wrong thing in life. Yet we all do this to some extent.

On the other hand it does help if you can express your feelings too. Males in particular are very loath to release their emotions. So they cannot be listened to effectively because they bottle it all up inside their heads. It takes two to tango, after all.

Open Questions, such as, “What do you feel about that?” or, “Tell me about it,” are useful for breaking down such communication barriers. (Avoid Closed Questions, like, “Do you feel bad about that?” or, “Did you have a good day at work today?”).

Good listening, then, is about keeping your mind open to what is actually been said. Try to avoid hearing what you expect to hear. Keep cool and objective. Stay rational. Cognitive therapy only works in an air of calm and clear thinking. All conversations work best this way if you wish to do any good.

As I say, Listening is crucial, even in the most casual conversation. Every conversation is a mini-relationship. So don’t dwell on what you want to say: just Listen.

Paul Butters