How to be Assertive

(Picture Credit - 2eng iprock dot com)

Let me introduce you to a great social skill: Assertiveness. Traditionally women have suffered most from being too submissive and unable to make their needs known. Yet this is a universal issue and we ALL need help to be Assertive. Please read on.

I myself have been on at least two Assertiveness courses. They were very useful and the second one did indeed make me more Assertive. This has long been an issue for women but also for many men such as me.

My problem is that I tend to be very passive and just do as I’m told, even at 61. Then I get fed up and frustrated, and break out in an explosion of aggression etc. What I need is to be more Assertive in the first place. It is interesting that in my earlier “Beat the Bullies” article I put great emphasis on the value of Assertiveness.

But what is “Assertiveness”? To me the title is somewhat unfortunate, as it sounds rather like a form of “Aggression”. Yet I cannot think of a better name for this social skill.

The trick with Assertiveness is not to be either Aggressive or Submissive. It is more about Negotiating on a level playing field. The aim is to achieve a Win-Win situation, where both parties emerge satisfied.

To be Assertive, you must say to yourself, I am a unique, Valuable individual with the same Rights as everyone else. Yes it all starts with Self Esteem. Then you need to behave and act with Confident body language. You must be cool, calm yet firm with the other person during any engagement.

The word “I” is very important here. You must make it clear what you feel and think about the matter under discussion. Avoid blaming the other person: do not say “you...”, instead say “I feel...” or “I think...” You might say something like, “I am hurt when you talk to me like that, please stop.”

Another key word is “No”. People can find saying No very difficult and just agree to do things that they do not really wish to do. You simply must say “No”. No to doing babysitting when you want to go out, for example.

A technique often mentioned is the “Broken Record”, where you repeat your request over and over again until the other person acquiesces. There are many techniques in Assertiveness. I am by no means an expert in all this.

I am not claiming that Assertiveness is an easy skill to acquire or put into practice. Nor will I kid myself that doing a couple of courses will fix everything. Indeed I will keep reading the many websites and books which describe Assertiveness in more detail.

This is but an introduction to Assertiveness. To be honest, Assertiveness is not always enough anyway. Sometimes naked Aggression and even violence is required. Assertiveness is but one valuable addition to your kit-bag of social skills.

So remember, Esteem yourself, stand firm for your Rights as a human being, and make it crystal clear what Your needs and feelings are. Negotiate with all others on an equal footing. If you can’t get a Win-Win outcome then at least get one that satisfies You. Keep learning and practising this skill. What more can I say?

Paul Butters

How to Live



(Photo Credit - Landlopers)

I have spent lots of time wondering whether there is an Afterlife. Yet you and I need to focus on what we do with our lives as carbon-based beings. There is much to be desired in our efforts so far... The Rat Race continues. Surely there is a better way. 

You and I are carbon-based life-forms who will live for about 70 to 110 years at best. What should we do with our lives? As some have said, it’s not the afterlife that matters so much as what you do while you still live in this present form.

What should be our Priorities in life? What Values should we have? Most Religions seek in some way to answer such questions. Yet can we do this logically, without recourse to myth and legend? I can but try with this.

The Wrong Way

First off, let me explore what I think we should not be doing. Where we are going wrong.

When I cast my imagination high above the Earth, what do I see? Frankly, much of our planet is like “Hell”. Where to begin? So much Evil going on. A dazzling black light. Genocide, terrorism, poverty, social injustice...

Even in well to do countries like the UK, USA etc. many people have the wrong priorities. Too much money-grabbing. Too much social –climbing and promotion –seeking.

They see “Communism” as “evil”, yet there is a social system that is all about fairness and equality of ownership etc. Rather, they prefer the jungle of capitalist “free trade” and globalisation. A Celebrity Culture is preferred to a real Work Ethic.

In the UK, the legacy of “Thatcherism” lingers on. Everyone is out for number one. Well, they think they are out for number one, but really they are just lemmings heading over the cliff. To use another clichéd metaphor: it’s a Rat Race.

Get it Right

There must be a better way. But what? To begin with: you are a sentient being (presumably human). So what are your needs? Well first you need shelter, security and optimum nutrition. Then you need suitable Companionship and all that might entail. You do not need lots of houses, land, food, water or adoring fans! Nor do you really need to be rich and famous. You just need a decent sized pad and regular meals etc. And I’m not talking junk food!

Long term, your Priority has to be your “Wellbeing”, especially your Health. All that advice about healthy eating and drinking comes in here. You’ve seen it countless times: fresh fruit and vegetables, plenty of water... Avoid undue Stress as much as you can.

Yes you have to look after your Mind too. That starts with having Self Esteem. Accept what you are, rather than trying to match some media-made image. Rejoice in your own Uniqueness.

I will never be a basketball and rugby- playing Mathematical genius who is great at Carpentry. Literature and the Humanities will have to do for me. (I chuckle there).

The least you should do is remember that as a Human Being you have the same Rights as everyone else: to be treated as an equal. That is the basis for being “Assertive” with people. More about Assertiveness later.

There is more than one right

To conclude, for now: there would seem to be no such thing as an “Ultimate” Right or Wrong, Value or Worthlessness, Good or Bad. What you have to do is look inwardly into your own heart and soul, and see what your “heart desires”. Or rather, what your Soul needs. That will be quite different for every individual person. In other words, as that old saying goes, just Be Yourself.

PS Just to clarify, politically I am a Socialist who usually votes Labour.

Paul Butters