How to be Assertive

(Picture Credit - 2eng iprock dot com)

Let me introduce you to a great social skill: Assertiveness. Traditionally women have suffered most from being too submissive and unable to make their needs known. Yet this is a universal issue and we ALL need help to be Assertive. Please read on.

I myself have been on at least two Assertiveness courses. They were very useful and the second one did indeed make me more Assertive. This has long been an issue for women but also for many men such as me.

My problem is that I tend to be very passive and just do as I’m told, even at 61. Then I get fed up and frustrated, and break out in an explosion of aggression etc. What I need is to be more Assertive in the first place. It is interesting that in my earlier “Beat the Bullies” article I put great emphasis on the value of Assertiveness.

But what is “Assertiveness”? To me the title is somewhat unfortunate, as it sounds rather like a form of “Aggression”. Yet I cannot think of a better name for this social skill.

The trick with Assertiveness is not to be either Aggressive or Submissive. It is more about Negotiating on a level playing field. The aim is to achieve a Win-Win situation, where both parties emerge satisfied.

To be Assertive, you must say to yourself, I am a unique, Valuable individual with the same Rights as everyone else. Yes it all starts with Self Esteem. Then you need to behave and act with Confident body language. You must be cool, calm yet firm with the other person during any engagement.

The word “I” is very important here. You must make it clear what you feel and think about the matter under discussion. Avoid blaming the other person: do not say “you...”, instead say “I feel...” or “I think...” You might say something like, “I am hurt when you talk to me like that, please stop.”

Another key word is “No”. People can find saying No very difficult and just agree to do things that they do not really wish to do. You simply must say “No”. No to doing babysitting when you want to go out, for example.

A technique often mentioned is the “Broken Record”, where you repeat your request over and over again until the other person acquiesces. There are many techniques in Assertiveness. I am by no means an expert in all this.

I am not claiming that Assertiveness is an easy skill to acquire or put into practice. Nor will I kid myself that doing a couple of courses will fix everything. Indeed I will keep reading the many websites and books which describe Assertiveness in more detail.

This is but an introduction to Assertiveness. To be honest, Assertiveness is not always enough anyway. Sometimes naked Aggression and even violence is required. Assertiveness is but one valuable addition to your kit-bag of social skills.

So remember, Esteem yourself, stand firm for your Rights as a human being, and make it crystal clear what Your needs and feelings are. Negotiate with all others on an equal footing. If you can’t get a Win-Win outcome then at least get one that satisfies You. Keep learning and practising this skill. What more can I say?

Paul Butters